I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
