I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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