I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
