Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
