He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was born a porn star she said
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
