i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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