I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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