dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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