I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
