Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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