I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF