i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
