just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?