I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.