i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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