Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Someone came in the potted fern
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
