Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i was born a porn star she said
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
