I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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