guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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