Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
