That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
