thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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