i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
