you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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