Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
