I wannas sexs uuuuu
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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