Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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