On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
