I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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