Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
