I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
