she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
