i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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