I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
