when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
