You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
