Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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