You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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