so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
