dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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