I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
