I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
