Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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