just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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