i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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