I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
