i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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