I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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