I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
