My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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