Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
