I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
