Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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