i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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