just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
