Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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