I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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