I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
