These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
