apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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