There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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