MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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