She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
