You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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