So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
