I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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