I cannot find my penis.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
